5 of the worst commercials ever!
By \ February 1, 2007
I was working on my regular column for ClickZ and had decided to write about Cartoon Network’s Boston “viral marketing” fiasco when I began to think about other commercial disasters. Some immediately came to mind: Sony’s st00pid PSP Graffiti campaign, their equally inane PSP flog attempt, and Chase Bank’s idiotic sidewalk projection campaign. Dumb stuff, for sure.
But then I started to think about how crappy advertising has always been with us, especially crappy advertising that comes from agencies overreaching in their attempts to be “hip.” In fact, I don’t think anything’s more embarassingly cringeworthy than watching a company spending gazillions of dollars trying to be cool.
So I went on a hunt. I wanted to find the absolutely worst examples of marketing trying to be hip and missing the mark by a mile. Here, dear reader, are the results. Please try to maintain your sanity.
1. Intel’s Multiply Campaign
Maybe I’m just too old and out of touch. Maybe I really AM a complete dork unworthy of redemption. Maybe I’m just not down with what the kids are into. Maybe. But I still fail to believe that most of the country is into ugly people dance like they’re trying to free their hands from a sticky mess of taffy while standing on hot coals. Maybe this is some reference to a facet of “club culture” that I don’t know about. Whatever. This campaign is still one of the most annoying out there right now.
2. Flint Law’s “Rap” Commercial
OK. These folks seem to be able to afford to pay someone to write the lyrics, mix the music, and record this gawdawful “rap.” They seem like they could somehow afford to have some 3D modeler spend endless hours modeling bling. They even seem to have taken the time to have their own pictures composited into this trainwreck of a commercial. But they couldn’t afford to have live actors? Why? It probably would have been a lot cheaper than all the modeling, though the effect of the ad is to somehow put the whole thing deep inside of a Grand Theft Auto-type world. Could it be that the were afraid of coming into contact with actual rappers? If so, then why are they advertising to people who’d be attracted by a commercial like this one. Oh. Wait. I get it: not a sentient human alive would hire these guys after viewing this. Gag!
3. Bruce Berman “Make Money Now”
This one makes absolutely no sense to me. The guy comes in to tell his boss to “take the job and shove it” and for some reason the Boss inexplicably launches into a quick lesson in the perils of entrepreneurship and then offers the guy the book he needs in order to take the aforementioned job and, in fact, shove it. Well, I guess the logic behind something like this makes about as much sense as getting into bed with a pitchman wearing a suit and mock-turtleneck who offers to give away the secrets of his vast (yet unproven) wealth. This spot runs a lot here locally, so ol’ Bruce Berman must have some real money behind this travesty.
4. Campbell’s Rapping Teddy Bear
If you’ve been wondering what’s wrong with people in their early 20’s today, my guess is that it comes from too much exposure to commercials like this one combined with the mentally-damaging effects of high sucrose cereals and full-fat milk consumed during the Saturday mornings of their youth in the early 90’s. Did anyone with a brain think that this spot was one that the kids would be down with? Was this a joke perpetrated by a disgruntled creative director looking for an out? What would have happened if this had come out a few years later when Nirvana was at their peak of popularity? Would it have featured moshing Campbell’s kids dressed in flannel nodding out into their soup cupped in their hands so they could keep warm in their unheated Northwestern crash pad? The possibilities are almost too horrible to contemplate.
5. Pepto-Bismol “Pink Rap” spot
Can any commercial that ends with the phrase “Pink does more than you think. Word!” possibly not mark the coming apocalypse or at least the end of civilization as we know it? Did the performers in this commercial have to go into hiding once it aired lest they suffer nearly unbearable shame for the rest of their natural lives? Where oh where did this horror come from? I can’t even imagine. But I do have to say: this one goes so far over the top that it actually becomes kinda cool. Werd.
Bonus Commercial! Montgomery Flea Market
I really, really, really couldn’t resist putting this one in. Is it horrible? Yes. Is it excruciating and embarrassing? Double yes! Does it make you want to hide under your sofa cushions? Absolutely! But is it cool? It sure as heck is!
Why? Because it’s real. It’s uncontrived. It’s absolutely joyful in it’s innocence and earnestness. It has it’s own DANCE made up specifically for the commercial! It’s something that nobody, absolutely nobody could ever do if they were trying to do something like this. It’s a true masterpiece.